My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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