I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
