If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I'm passing your future prison.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
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