I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
