just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
