Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
