He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
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