i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
