so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Randomize
