How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
