Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
