we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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