Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
