the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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