Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
