Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
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