Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
