Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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