Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
