I hate your face
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
