So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
