I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
