Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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