Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
