So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
