I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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