Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
