Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
