Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
