I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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