I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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