How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize
