I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
