he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
