Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
