$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
