When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Randomize
