Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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