totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Randomize
