If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
