I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
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