my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
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