I have demons in me.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
