If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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