i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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