Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
