when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Randomize
