Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
