I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
