so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
