The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
