I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
