apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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