Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Randomize
