He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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