he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
