i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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