i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
